Series Communicating with your ex Part 1

Ive been thinking lately about how people communicate with their exes.

For the most part, people dont. Exceptions are when they work together, have classes together, go to church together, etc.

Another exception is when one of the partners wants to get back together. Usually, if someone wants to get an ex back, there will be communication. In fact, there may be all too much communication.

The last exception arises when a couple has children. Here is an article I found, about communicating in that situation. -- Kit.

Communicating With Your Ex - Letting Go of the Last Word

By Mary Wollard

You probably all have someone in your family who has to have the last word in any discussion or argument. Maybe your whole family is like this, making family get-togethers challenging at best. In the case of email, this can lead to back-and-forth messages that belabor a subject way longer than necessary, with each new message escalating the conflict higher and higher.

If you are someone who needs to have the last word and your communications with your ex are difficult, be aware that this is only adding to the conflict. It will take great restraint on your part to break the pattern. After all, it took a long time to cultivate the need to have the last word and it will take a long time to feel comfortable not having the last word. The only way to break the cycle is to just resist the urge to say one more thing.

Start with a conversation that you feel neutral about, and just try not responding to the last thing the other person said. As you become more comfortable with this in relatively unimportant conversations, then you can move on to practicing in areas that are more important. Work slowly, but work at it constantly. It will be hard work because this is a very hard habit to break, but the rewards will be great.

If it is the other parent who needs the last word, know that it is not a sign of weakness on your part to let him or her have it. Know that this communication pattern in the other person started way before you ever came into the picture and likely affects every relationship they have. But you can still take responsibility for your part in these never-ending discussions.

Even if the other person hasnt yet done the work necessary to end this communication merry-go-round, you can. If you follow the steps above, the cycle will stop. Start with a subject that is not highly charged, and just let the conversation go when you have said what you have to say.

The important thing is to make the decision to break this communication cycle. If you do, I guarantee you will feel more powerful in the relationship, not less powerful.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC

Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your familys transition.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Communicating-With-Your-Ex---Letting-Go-of-the-Last-Word&id=2193378

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Series continues with Part 2 and Part 3.
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Series Communicating with your ex Part 3

The third part in this 3-part series pertains to email communication.

Again, although it addresses divorced parents, the wisdom within applies to anyone in danger of sending an overly-emotional email to an ex.

If youre wanting to get your ex back, you need to be careful how you communicate by email. You want to send an agreeable message, not a confrontational one. -- Kit.

Three Email Communication Mistakes That Will Inflame Conflict Between Divorced Couples

By Mary Wollard

More and more, communication between divorced parents occurs by email. This can be an effective way to reduce conflict between parents. If you commit one or more of these three common email mistakes, however, you might create or heighten conflict. What are these common email communication mistakes, and how you can fix them to reduce conflict with the other parent?

Mistake #1 - USING TOO MANY CAPS

One of the first guidelines of email etiquette is not to type words in all capital letters, because that is akin to shouting. When I first heard that, I didnt really believe it. That was until email became part of my all-day, every-day life, and then I received a message that was written mostly in caps.

It just set me on edge, like fingernails on a blackboard (do people even remember that sound anymore?). After that I started paying closer attention to emails, not just to me, but between my clients.

I found that the use of caps in emails between high-conflict parents triggers anger reactions. The caps dont add anything of substance to the communication and cause the communications to quickly deteriorate. Once the anger kicks in, effective communication really becomes impossible.

If you find yourself moved to use caps in your email, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Then, find some other way to communicate that.

Mistake #2 - Sarcasm and humor

When we talk to someone, our words are only a part of the communication. We use hand gestures; raise an eyebrow; make our voice higher or lower, louder or softer; laugh; smile; or frown. All of these things convey our true meaning to the person were talking to.

When you write an email, all of these nuances are gone and you are left only with the raw words of your message. In your own mind, you are often adding all of those hand gestures, facial expressions and intonations. The problem is that the person reading your email cant see into your mind. Sarcasm and humor are both highly dependent on extraneous visual and auditory cues. Since these arent available in writing, your attempts at sarcasm and humor in email will likely fail or be misconstrued.

Those cute little emoticons (the smiling, laughing, winking, or sad faces) people add to their email werent just created by people with way too much time on their hands. They are an effort to show the spirit of the words in the email so the receiver can better understand whats being said. Without something like that, the receiver has no way of knowing your intentions.

If your relationship with the other parent is stressed and full of conflict, your best practice is to leave attempts at sarcasm and humor out of your email.

Mistake #3 - Sending too soon

During a heated exchange, you may type something you would never want someone else to see. When you communicate by email, you are putting your angry thoughts into writing and you make it possible for anyone - including your children - to witness that anger long after youve cooled down.

A good rule of thumb is to pause before you send any message that you feel emotionally charged about. Stand up and walk away from the computer for a few minutes or even a few hours. When you come back, make sure that the message youre sending is something you are ok with being in print.

I cant stress enough the powerful effect communication has on the level of conflict in your relationship with the other parent. Creating healthy new patterns of communication can break the destructive cycle of conflict and allow both parents to focus on building good relationships with their children.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC


Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your familys transition.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Three-Email-Communication-Mistakes-That-Will-Inflame-Conflict-Between-Divorced-Couples&id=2085050
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Reasons for breaking up

Ive begun doing some online research on the reasons why couples break up. Mostly Im interested in whether certain techniques for getting back together work best for particular break-up reasons.

For example, what if make-up sex is the best way to get your ex back, if you were dumped because you cheated? Im not saying thats the case; Im just wondering if something like that is true.

To be honest, thats a really bad example. Having an affair would require a pretty detailed plan for getting back together -- certainly not something simplistic like make-up sex, or making your ex jealous, or reverse psychology.

But I could totally believe that make-up sex is a good technique to try, if you got dumped after a big fight. Id buy that.

Ill see where my research leads. The great thing about the internet, with all its blogs and forums with real people talking about real life, is that if you study it well enough you can find patterns for success and failure. No matter what problem youre trying to solve.
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Need to fix procrastination problems before getting back together

I have to say, I recognize a bit of my own relationship in the one described below. Me -- the procrastinator. Except, anger aimed at me doesnt bother me too much. I can ignore it.

Still, the scenario below struck me as one that could become the reason why a couple breaks up. I can imagine "Paul" leaving because he cant deal with her anger, or "Andrea" leaving because shes tired of Paul letting her down.

And the author makes a great point -- if they dont figure out how to deal with these traits in themselves, theyre just going to shift their problems onto their next relationships.

They might as well learn to understand their problem, and solve it, and stay together.

So, whats relevant here for someone trying to get an ex back? Well, if you and your ex broke up for a reason similar to this, then this article will get you thinking about how to solve the problem, so you can get back together.

Control And Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins

Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.d.

"Im so sick and tired of Andreas anger and bossiness that Im about ready to leave this relationship," said Paul in our phone counseling session. "Everything has to be her way. Why cant she just keep her mouth shut? She is ruining this relationship. I hate her judgmentally. Every time she does this it casts a black cloud over our relationship and I end up feeling awful."

Paul and Andrea were in one of their typical power struggles. Paul tended to operate as an adolescent regarding household chores. If something needed to be done, he would say he would do it and then procrastinate to the point where Andrea would blow up. Then he would blame Andrea for her anger rather than take any responsibility for his resistance.

"Paul, how did you react when Andrea got angry and judgmental?"

"I got angry and tried to explain to her why I hadnt fixed the curtain rod yet. But she wouldnt listen to me so then I withdrew."

"So Andrea is trying to control you with her anger and you are trying to control her with your explanations and withdrawal. And you are very determined to resist being controlled by her. So, do you want to complain to me about Andrea and blame your feelings on her anger, or do you want to understand your end of this system and learn about what you can do differently?"

"I just want her to stop being angry."

"Paul, you have been trying to have control over Andreas anger for the whole five years of your relationship. Is it working?"

"No. But why cant she just stop?"

"Well, why cant you just stop resisting and become responsible in the household and responsible for your own feelings instead of being a victim of Andrea?"

"Oh. I see what you mean. She must be as unconscious of what she is doing as I am of what I am doing."

"Right. The two of you learned very early in life to try to control and resist being controlled, and these old patterns are governing your relationship. But what is the point of leaving? You will each take your patterns with you and you will each end up in similar relationships, as you have in the past. So why not recognize that you are not a victim and address your issues?"

"Okay. So what do you see as my issues?"

"I see two major issues. I know that household things, such as the broken curtain rod, dont bother you, but they do bother Andrea. You put her in a bind, because when she says she will hire someone to fix the things that need fixing, you get upset and tell her you will do it and then you dont. So one major issue is that it is more important to you to resist being controlled than to be a caring person to yourself and to her. I am not excusing Andreas anger and judgmentally - that is her end of the system. But you have not accepted that you have no control over her anger. This is the other major issue for you - your lack of acceptance over your lack of control over her. She tries to control you and you resist while trying to control her.

"If you really want things to change, then the only control you have is over changing you, not over her changing. When you are ready to make caring about yourself and her more important than resisting, then things may change."

This is a huge challenge for a person who has been in resistance his whole life. Once Paul stops blaming Andrea, then he can do the deep work of healing his resistance.

About the Author:Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co- creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Control And Resistance - The Relationship Gremlins
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Series Communicating with your ex Part 2

This is the second article in a 3-part series on communicating with an ex.

It is targeted toward broken relationships where children are in the picture, but I think the advice applies to anyone who ends up communicating with an ex, for whatever reason -- including someone who wants to get an ex back.

After a breakup, when emotions are high and every past argument feels like it happened only yesterday, its easy to find yourself using hurtful words when you talk to your ex. You yell, you accuse, you insult. You say things you dont mean to say, because the way you see it, you were hurt first.

But it doesnt have to be that way. If you think first, and plan ahead for what NOT to say, you can communicate successfully with your ex.

And if youre trying to get your ex back, good communication is essential. -- Kit

Minimize Conflict During Divorce by Eliminating "Fighting Words" in Your Communications

By Mary Wollard

There are words and phrases that are so provocative that they are bound to elicit a sharp response from the target. In fact, theyre usually intended to. When you describe someone with labels such as "liar," "selfish," "abusive," "evil" and "uncaring," these are "fighting words."

If youre peppering your communication with these kinds of words when you speak with your ex or soon-to-be-ex, its time to stop. Even when you do have a valid point to make, these words will not help you make it.

Lets look at an example of communication using these fighting words:

Parent A: "Sally is scared to go to your house because you make her go to bed without a nightlight. This is just another example of how abusive you are and how you dont care about your child at all."

Parent B: "You are such a liar. Sally loves to come over here, but shes afraid to let you know it. When will you stop trying to turn Sally against me and accept that she loves me? If you werent so selfish, maybe Sally wouldnt have to lie to you about her time here."

This conversation between Parent A and Parent B will likely go on for some time, getting louder and more hostile. No matter which parent Sally is with at the time of the conversation, she will get an earful, even if the parents think shes asleep or in another room at the time. The conversation will not accomplish anything other than to frighten and upset Sally.

When you are tempted to use fighting words, stop to think what the issue really is. In the example above, Parent A is concerned about the lack of a nightlight at the other house. Rather than send the message above, Parent A might have said, "I just wanted to let you know that Sally has gotten used to sleeping with a nightlight on. Im guessing shell give it up at some point, but for now, shes really more comfortable with one on at night. Having a nightlight at both houses will probably help make the transition between houses easier for her."

Parent B, on the other hand, feels accused of being a bad parent and wants to fight off claims of being abusive or selfish. Instead of reacting to the words Parent A used, Parent B could have responded to the concern. Here is a response that would have been more helpful: "Thank you for your email, I will talk to Sally about the nightlight when shes here next. I didnt realize it was so important to her."

Remember, Mums the word when it comes to fighting words. Dont use them and By addressing the underlying issue without using provocative language, divorcing parents can reduce the conflict between them and focus on positive parenting for their children.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC


Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your familys transition.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Minimize-Conflict-During-Divorce-by-Eliminating-Fighting-Words-in-Your-Communications&id=2055520

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Series continues with Part 3.
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