It is targeted toward broken relationships where children are in the picture, but I think the advice applies to anyone who ends up communicating with an ex, for whatever reason -- including someone who wants to get an ex back.
After a breakup, when emotions are high and every past argument feels like it happened only yesterday, its easy to find yourself using hurtful words when you talk to your ex. You yell, you accuse, you insult. You say things you dont mean to say, because the way you see it, you were hurt first.
But it doesnt have to be that way. If you think first, and plan ahead for what NOT to say, you can communicate successfully with your ex.
And if youre trying to get your ex back, good communication is essential. -- Kit
Minimize Conflict During Divorce by Eliminating "Fighting Words" in Your Communications
By Mary Wollard
There are words and phrases that are so provocative that they are bound to elicit a sharp response from the target. In fact, theyre usually intended to. When you describe someone with labels such as "liar," "selfish," "abusive," "evil" and "uncaring," these are "fighting words."
If youre peppering your communication with these kinds of words when you speak with your ex or soon-to-be-ex, its time to stop. Even when you do have a valid point to make, these words will not help you make it.
Lets look at an example of communication using these fighting words:
Parent A: "Sally is scared to go to your house because you make her go to bed without a nightlight. This is just another example of how abusive you are and how you dont care about your child at all."
Parent B: "You are such a liar. Sally loves to come over here, but shes afraid to let you know it. When will you stop trying to turn Sally against me and accept that she loves me? If you werent so selfish, maybe Sally wouldnt have to lie to you about her time here."
This conversation between Parent A and Parent B will likely go on for some time, getting louder and more hostile. No matter which parent Sally is with at the time of the conversation, she will get an earful, even if the parents think shes asleep or in another room at the time. The conversation will not accomplish anything other than to frighten and upset Sally.
When you are tempted to use fighting words, stop to think what the issue really is. In the example above, Parent A is concerned about the lack of a nightlight at the other house. Rather than send the message above, Parent A might have said, "I just wanted to let you know that Sally has gotten used to sleeping with a nightlight on. Im guessing shell give it up at some point, but for now, shes really more comfortable with one on at night. Having a nightlight at both houses will probably help make the transition between houses easier for her."
Parent B, on the other hand, feels accused of being a bad parent and wants to fight off claims of being abusive or selfish. Instead of reacting to the words Parent A used, Parent B could have responded to the concern. Here is a response that would have been more helpful: "Thank you for your email, I will talk to Sally about the nightlight when shes here next. I didnt realize it was so important to her."
Remember, Mums the word when it comes to fighting words. Dont use them and By addressing the underlying issue without using provocative language, divorcing parents can reduce the conflict between them and focus on positive parenting for their children.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your familys transition.
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Series continues with Part 3.
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