Separation Relationships Can Get Stronger After Heartache

After a separation, relationships can be hard to rebuild. The point of a separation is to see if you can live without each other and to get some time away from your problems to gain some perspective. Unfortunately, people tend to look at a separation as the beginning of the end for a marriage.

This doesnt have to be true of every separation: relationships can actually come out the other side stronger and healthier than they ever were before. The key to coming back from a separation is to fix the mistakes and problems that lead to the separation and make sure they stay fixed.

A lot of people make an effort to solve the problems to get their significant others back but fail to do the necessary upkeep. This is very much like going on a diet and then expecting to keep the weight off by going back to exactly what you did before. Theres a reason why so many people gain the weight back, and its the same reason there are so many divorces after separation; relationships need maintenance.

The very first thing you need to do to come back from a separation is to find out what the real reasons for the separation were. There will always be a superficial reason, some event driving the decision, but this is rarely the reason, this is usually just a symptom of the real problem.

If you dont find out what the true reason for the separation, relationships will always fail. This means you have to use the time away from the marriage to look at the problem with as much distance as you can. Your emotions will tend to mislead you.

Once youve found out what the problem is, you can begin to do the work needed to fix it. This is a process that involves your spouse; there are two people in a marriage and it takes both of you working together to fix the problems that lead to the separation. Relationships need to be a partnership, and this is a good place to start.

The good news is that fixing the problem is actually the easier part. Finding the problems tends to be harder, and thats the part most couples will get hung up on. The actual fix is usually just a matter of working with your partner to find the solutions and compromises that will allow you to work around the problem.
Like a diet, this will be a lifetime project, and it will involve change. The fact is that something was broken in your marriage, and the both of you are going to have change to make it work. This where most people go wrong after a separation; relationships have be treated as something brand new.

The best strategy is to treat the relationship as if it is something entirely new. Rebuild your marriage from the ground up, making sure to address the problems that how come before, but also addressing what has come before.

After a separation, relationships can be rebuilt. You just need to take the time and put in the work. Another good idea is to get some help; there are systems and advice available all over the internet that show you exactly what you need to do to fix your relationship and save your marriage.
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I Want My Wife Back 3 Tips

If you’re saying, “I want my wife back,” but you’re unsure where to start, there are some easy things you can do to make it possible. While no one tip or set of tips are going to guarantee that you’ll get your wife back, some things do work better than others. Soon you may not be saying, “I want my wife back,” but “why didn’t I do these things years ago?”
Being extra nice and polite is the first thing you have to do. That sounds ridiculously simple, doesn’t it? But when we’re with someone for a while, we tend to take them for granted. And if right now you’re saying, “I want my wife back” then this applies to you.
No matter what happens, you need to be on an even keel, nice and polite. Unfortunately, it’s easier to be nice and polite when you’re still together because you see her more often. But it is possible to run into someone often “accidentally on-purpose,” especially if you live in a small town or are part of a close-knit community.
Run into her often and use every moment you’re near her as an opportunity to show her that you can be considerate and polite. The important thing is to avoid things like getting angry or impatient with her.
Sometimes this is a difficult thing to judge. You might think your wife wants you to be jealous. Or you might think the whole breakup is a ploy to get you to act differently. If you keep thinking of the breakup along those terms, you’re in for a disappointment.
Sometimes people do break up with someone to prove a point and to get their lover to come around to their way of thinking. But most often it’s not a game, and the person left because they were unhappy with you and the relationship.
If you’re saying, “I want my wife back!” and you’re trying to convince yourself that she didn’t really intend to leave you, but instead meant get a rise out of you, stop thinking that way now.
You simply shouldn’t presume to know something that could be completely wrong. So assume that she had reasons that were good enough for her. And show her that there’s more to you than meets the eye.
So from being nice and polite, we move into being thoughtful. They are different things, though they’re overlapping, too. Being nice and polite can apply to everyday situations. Being thoughtful means going that extra mile.
Try sending her a card telling her she’s special. Send it for no real reason, no occasion, except to remind her that you think she’s special. Surprise her in a way you probably rarely did when you were together, and reap the rewards.
Finally, be thoughtful enough to leave her alone. You might think, “I want my wife back,” but if she’s not ready to try and you keep hounding her on the issue, you’ll only drive her further away.
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New Featured Get Your Ex Back Articles

Several new articles today, in the featured article library at HelpGettingBackTogether.com:

• 
  How a rebound relationship can work in your favor
  If you have broken up with the love of your life and she is in a rebound relationship, how do you get her back?


• How to get back together with my ex in 3 steps
  Wondering how to get back together with my ex? What you should actually do at this point is the opposite of what you are feeling.


• Learn how to get her back
  These are just the beginning steps in winning your ex back. They are the initial steps I followed when I lost the love of my life.


• Things I learned when she dumped me
  Okay, I'll admit, I've been dumped. More than once. More than I'd like to admit, actually. Recently, even.

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3 Ways To Get Your Ex Back

By Aldo Clayton

Relationships are fragile bonds that has got to be repeatedly nurtured and respected to flourish. Each person concerned in a relationship is responsible for providing value to the other half for a natural balance to be made.

It is when this balance is broken that Problems start to happen. Eventually an unbalanced relationship will melt, and this sometimes leaves one side still hoping things can be fixed. Being the only one working for a resolution could be a tricky and forsaken proposition, but there are ways to salvage even the bleakest eventualities.

Be Strong

Theres an old saying that no one needs the needy and it applies itself well to broken relationships. Begging, adhering, and desperate behaviour is way more sure to repel your lost love rather than attract them. Not only is it vital to prove to the world that you can perceive in the hardest of times, but you also need to prove it to yourself. While no one is claiming that breakups are simple, keep the yelling and crying behind firmly shut doors.

Minimise Contact

Closing the doors of communication may appear counter opposite to rebuilding an ineffective relationship, but it is one of the most important steps. Theres a reason that things have made it to this point, and it is apparent that someone needs a break. Permitting time for reflection and thought is the best way to evaluate your relationship. This also gives your Ex time to clear their mind. It may be that a little time away will remind them of how valuable your relationship was.

Be Flexible

This is not the time to start issuing mandates like pick up your things by Monday or else. You are wrong if you believe that you can frighten somebody into returning. Remember that your Ex left you because they were unsatisfied with some aspect of your relationship. This means its time to become the listener and sympathizer. This doesnt mean you have got to concede to their every demand ( see Stay powerful ), but you will doubtless have to meet beyond halfway when reconstructing the bridge of communication. - 30535

About the Author:

Heres where you can find the best site on "Get Your Ex Back" that explains the entire process.Go here now: Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

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Saving A Relationship 3 Tips For Doing So

Whether youve recently broken up, or youre afraid youre on the brink of a breakup  you can take heart,  saving a relationship is possible.  You can reignite the flame that the two of you once shared.  It wont necessarily be easy or fast, but if youre committed to making it work there is hope.
Ive compiled a list of some of the things you need to do to salvage and repair your relationship.  Keep these tips in mind when you are analyzing your relationship:
1.  Do you really want to stay in the relationship?  I know this may sound like a dumb question but sometimes when we think we want to keep our relationship what we really mean is that were afraid of having to find someone new, or starting over.  If youre brutally honest with yourself you can determine if you really want to continue the relationship or if youre just scared of being on your own.
Another part of this question is to determine if your partner really wants to work on the relationship too.  Even if you decide that your relationship is worth saving, that doesnt mean your partner shares your conviction or will be willing to invest the time and effort to work on your problems.
2.  Honestly evaluate what went wrong in your relationship. Again, this will need to be done by both of you.  This can be the hardest part, its always easier to blame someone else for the problems but its tougher to own up to your part in the break down of your relationship. 
Before you can repair it you need to know not only what is broken but why it broke.  The two of you may even want to visit a couples counselor to help you objectively work through this phase.  Sometimes having an objective third party in the room can help you both stay calm and face things you may not have been willing or able to face on  your own.
3. Try to remember what drew you to each other in the first place.  If youve been in a relationship for a while you obviously loved and enjoyed each other.  So often in a relationship what happens is that the stronger one (or the most selfish one) controls the relationship. They become the one who tends to take more than they give.  The other partner will take on the role of the giver.  Over time the taker will get bored because the fun loving person they fell in love with has become a doormat and the giver will get sick of not getting their needs met often enough.
If your relationship has fallen into this trap you both need to take a step back and remember what attracted you to each other.  This might be a good time to not only remember but to tell the other person.  Remind them why you fell in love with them, and vice a versa.
 Saving a relationship will take time, work, and commitment by both parties, but it can be done.  If you think your relationship is worth saving and your partner thinks so too, than by all means, follow the tips above and you can salvage your relationship.
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Series Communicating with your ex Part 3

The third part in this 3-part series pertains to email communication.

Again, although it addresses divorced parents, the wisdom within applies to anyone in danger of sending an overly-emotional email to an ex.

If youre wanting to get your ex back, you need to be careful how you communicate by email. You want to send an agreeable message, not a confrontational one. -- Kit.

Three Email Communication Mistakes That Will Inflame Conflict Between Divorced Couples

By Mary Wollard

More and more, communication between divorced parents occurs by email. This can be an effective way to reduce conflict between parents. If you commit one or more of these three common email mistakes, however, you might create or heighten conflict. What are these common email communication mistakes, and how you can fix them to reduce conflict with the other parent?

Mistake #1 - USING TOO MANY CAPS

One of the first guidelines of email etiquette is not to type words in all capital letters, because that is akin to shouting. When I first heard that, I didnt really believe it. That was until email became part of my all-day, every-day life, and then I received a message that was written mostly in caps.

It just set me on edge, like fingernails on a blackboard (do people even remember that sound anymore?). After that I started paying closer attention to emails, not just to me, but between my clients.

I found that the use of caps in emails between high-conflict parents triggers anger reactions. The caps dont add anything of substance to the communication and cause the communications to quickly deteriorate. Once the anger kicks in, effective communication really becomes impossible.

If you find yourself moved to use caps in your email, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Then, find some other way to communicate that.

Mistake #2 - Sarcasm and humor

When we talk to someone, our words are only a part of the communication. We use hand gestures; raise an eyebrow; make our voice higher or lower, louder or softer; laugh; smile; or frown. All of these things convey our true meaning to the person were talking to.

When you write an email, all of these nuances are gone and you are left only with the raw words of your message. In your own mind, you are often adding all of those hand gestures, facial expressions and intonations. The problem is that the person reading your email cant see into your mind. Sarcasm and humor are both highly dependent on extraneous visual and auditory cues. Since these arent available in writing, your attempts at sarcasm and humor in email will likely fail or be misconstrued.

Those cute little emoticons (the smiling, laughing, winking, or sad faces) people add to their email werent just created by people with way too much time on their hands. They are an effort to show the spirit of the words in the email so the receiver can better understand whats being said. Without something like that, the receiver has no way of knowing your intentions.

If your relationship with the other parent is stressed and full of conflict, your best practice is to leave attempts at sarcasm and humor out of your email.

Mistake #3 - Sending too soon

During a heated exchange, you may type something you would never want someone else to see. When you communicate by email, you are putting your angry thoughts into writing and you make it possible for anyone - including your children - to witness that anger long after youve cooled down.

A good rule of thumb is to pause before you send any message that you feel emotionally charged about. Stand up and walk away from the computer for a few minutes or even a few hours. When you come back, make sure that the message youre sending is something you are ok with being in print.

I cant stress enough the powerful effect communication has on the level of conflict in your relationship with the other parent. Creating healthy new patterns of communication can break the destructive cycle of conflict and allow both parents to focus on building good relationships with their children.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC


Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your familys transition.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Three-Email-Communication-Mistakes-That-Will-Inflame-Conflict-Between-Divorced-Couples&id=2085050
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Did you cheat 3 things to do to get your ex back

Read this excerpt from the latest topic on HelpGettingBackTogether.com:

The way I think of it, there are two flavors of cheating.

The first kind is where you cheated briefly in a one night stand, or just slept with someone not important to you a few times.

The second kind is where you had a longer-lasting affair with someone you cared about and connected with emotionally.

You can read the full text here, about getting your ex back after you had an affair: Did you cheat? - 3 things to do to get your ex back

Its also available here: (offsite)
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Series Communicating with your ex Part 2

This is the second article in a 3-part series on communicating with an ex.

It is targeted toward broken relationships where children are in the picture, but I think the advice applies to anyone who ends up communicating with an ex, for whatever reason -- including someone who wants to get an ex back.

After a breakup, when emotions are high and every past argument feels like it happened only yesterday, its easy to find yourself using hurtful words when you talk to your ex. You yell, you accuse, you insult. You say things you dont mean to say, because the way you see it, you were hurt first.

But it doesnt have to be that way. If you think first, and plan ahead for what NOT to say, you can communicate successfully with your ex.

And if youre trying to get your ex back, good communication is essential. -- Kit

Minimize Conflict During Divorce by Eliminating "Fighting Words" in Your Communications

By Mary Wollard

There are words and phrases that are so provocative that they are bound to elicit a sharp response from the target. In fact, theyre usually intended to. When you describe someone with labels such as "liar," "selfish," "abusive," "evil" and "uncaring," these are "fighting words."

If youre peppering your communication with these kinds of words when you speak with your ex or soon-to-be-ex, its time to stop. Even when you do have a valid point to make, these words will not help you make it.

Lets look at an example of communication using these fighting words:

Parent A: "Sally is scared to go to your house because you make her go to bed without a nightlight. This is just another example of how abusive you are and how you dont care about your child at all."

Parent B: "You are such a liar. Sally loves to come over here, but shes afraid to let you know it. When will you stop trying to turn Sally against me and accept that she loves me? If you werent so selfish, maybe Sally wouldnt have to lie to you about her time here."

This conversation between Parent A and Parent B will likely go on for some time, getting louder and more hostile. No matter which parent Sally is with at the time of the conversation, she will get an earful, even if the parents think shes asleep or in another room at the time. The conversation will not accomplish anything other than to frighten and upset Sally.

When you are tempted to use fighting words, stop to think what the issue really is. In the example above, Parent A is concerned about the lack of a nightlight at the other house. Rather than send the message above, Parent A might have said, "I just wanted to let you know that Sally has gotten used to sleeping with a nightlight on. Im guessing shell give it up at some point, but for now, shes really more comfortable with one on at night. Having a nightlight at both houses will probably help make the transition between houses easier for her."

Parent B, on the other hand, feels accused of being a bad parent and wants to fight off claims of being abusive or selfish. Instead of reacting to the words Parent A used, Parent B could have responded to the concern. Here is a response that would have been more helpful: "Thank you for your email, I will talk to Sally about the nightlight when shes here next. I didnt realize it was so important to her."

Remember, Mums the word when it comes to fighting words. Dont use them and By addressing the underlying issue without using provocative language, divorcing parents can reduce the conflict between them and focus on positive parenting for their children.

© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC


Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your familys transition.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard
http://EzineArticles.com/?Minimize-Conflict-During-Divorce-by-Eliminating-Fighting-Words-in-Your-Communications&id=2055520

---

Series continues with Part 3.
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You Dont Want Divorce 3 Ways To Stop It

Things aren’t going well, but you don’t want divorce to end your relationship. What can you do?  If you don’t want divorce there are three specific things you can do to stop it.
These tips won’t work in every situation—some relationships are too far gone. But most relationships start having troubles long before they reach this point, thankfully.
When you don’t want divorce but your partner does, try being quiet for a while.Just don’t say anything. Stop complaining. The worst thing you can do is to carry on about how you don’t want to get divorced.
You can let your partner know that you don’t want the divorce. And that’s about all you can do. Perhaps you could reassure them that couples go through this kind of thing all the time and are still together today. Just don’t do it more than once.
If you carry on and carry on about how you want to stay together, you’ll probably just annoy your partner, making it less likely for him to be open to the idea of staying together. The whole point is to make yourself extra desirable to your partner again.
It’s unlikely he or she finds you particularly desirable when you’re complaining and whining about inconsequential things. That tendency to complain and even nag may have had something to do with why the relationship broke up in the first place, remember.
You want to show your very best side to your partner at all times. When you started dating this person, you were probably on your own very best behavior. Everyone does that to win a mate’s heart. Then as things start to stagnate a little because the mate is won and there’s no need to compete with others anymore, the tendency to whine and complain begins.
Stop this immediately and go back to your very best “going to win them” courting behavior. That is often such a switch from the way things were in the beginning, that it seems almost too good to be true.
Going hand in hand with taking care not to complain or nag is learning to simply be agreeable. We tend to take our partner for granted and when he or she suggests something we’re not happy with, we make it known. If we do that too often it can start to seem to our partner that they can’t do or say anything right!
If you don’t want divorce then learn to agree with your partner even when you don’t want to. That might sound a little extreme, but you’re in rescue mode right now. You just want to do everything you can to save the marriage. It doesn’t’ mean that you’ll never be able to disagree with them for the rest of your life.
You need to learn to not whine, to agree and to do it all with a smile on your face. If you don’t want divorce you’ll have to do these things for at least a little while.
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